counting down to the days that i can leave kpl n go back to the peaceful muar... reli can't wait to walk out of this hell 1 day, bid gudbye to those pts drs bss that r alwiz pain in the arse. arrghhhh!!!!
i'm reli thankful to have gone tru my hardest time in jb wif a bunch of reli gud frens. i know i'm very much blessed to have these ppl who reli understand me from inside out, who c pass my shortcomings my sotongness n all the silly mess secondary to my sotongness haha. i'm alwiz so comfortable to b wif them bcos these r the ppl that allow me to b me, my imperfect self. thank u.
++
when i c xhui cried i shed a tear too. yes, i wil miss them so much n yes, 3 of us wudn't b eating dinners tgt like this anymore. no matter wat promises made, it wil nvr b the same again.
suddenly i felt that everything may b happening for a reason. ya well i'm posted to johor. i lose sum but i do gain sum, mayb more. hidden territories explored. new friendships formed. this is the nite when i got very emo.. not bcos i'm sad or wat.. juz that suddenly.. i missed all my housemates that i used to stay wif. from glasgow JBC G7 to Tmn Sg Abong Indah 3 to Larkin Residence. all the crazy times v had tgt. all the joke that v poked at each other. i luv u all.
别再去担心我的若无其事
也不用怀疑我嘻哈大笑的背后是否在遮掩什么伤痛
因为你们根本不需要为我承担任何东西。
有你们关心有你们相挺我已经很欣慰了。
我每天都有好好过。
或许不是今天 可我总会有完全好过来的一天。
Monday, 9 August 2010
Friday, 23 July 2010
hokkaido!!
yokoso japan!!
from ultraman to gongqijun to shinchan to bleach to death note to the countless make-me-cry-1L of tears-super-emo japanese dramas to all the sony products in my house to the toyotas, i'm reli mesmerised by japan since i was a kid. tho i got myself in conflict after i went to nanjing yrs ago. but ah.. let history b history..
i'm so in luv wif japan after this hokkaido trip. so in luv!! that i don mind going there for an annual pilgrimage no matter how broke i can get.
tho there's not much to c in hokkaido compared to tokyo, kyoto n other cities, i stil think it's a great. can spend sum quality time wif my family. n thanx to the brilliant tour guide (a msian who's based in japan since his uni life), i've learnt so much abt japan.. the land, the ppl n their culture.. by listening to all his 1st or 2nd hand experiences n moz of them were downrite hilarious due to the cultural clashes.
i began to wonder in those european trips, i c a lot. but wat do i gain apart from all those pics? ask me wat's the name of that building, howz the ppl n culture like... don think i can tell much. is that reli the meaning of travelling? felt like i missed out on sth important. watever let's blame it on the financial n time constraint.
it's a reli cool country wif reli cool ppl tho they quite sei-oi-min n 1-pattern.
man i don c ugly ppl on the street every1 is so well-groomed, hair wif no 1 bit of frizz (jelez betul!) n all wearing clothes n shoes that r to die for.
i can carry my bag feeling very safe n whenever i shop, i get the value that i paid. it's like they reli practice the nilai-nilai murni in moral class.. berhemah tinggi haha.
i'm so impressed wif their ultra clean toilets n nvr ending toilet rolls.. they have these cute buttons for seat heating (this is very syok!), washing n flushing sounds to mask ur embarassment while u r shitting haha.
but the best part is.. amidst the modernity, they stil preserve n uphold their rich culture.
oh wait.. there's stil shopping!! heaven for shoppers!! reli wanna curse my feet for not growing bigger. it's damn disappointing when u can't get the shoes that u reli reli heart juz bcos there's NO SIZE n u know that u definitely won ever find such luvly shoes in msia. kanasai how come my feet so small.
n unlike those shampoo in msia/china hotels that wil tangle n roughen up ur hair, shampoo n conditioners provided in their hotel made my hair felt like silk. omg omg juz wanna throw my shwarzkopf (lazy to google for spelling la watever) into the drain.
the hot bath! lavendar!
n the crab! !scallop! abalone! n kobe beef! walao eh...
samo their education system.
n the great service spirit. HAI! *samurai*
when i touch down klia.. i was so compelled to change things. change the attitude change the mindset the gov the society the country.
it makes me want to put on my biggest smile say hi how r u to my pts... dispense wif my utmost zest answer all their queries n end it wif a thank u.
++ back to kpl, got scolded bcos of no plastic bcos of 1 mth again bcos of jump numbers bcos of long waiting time, wth! screw it man.. samurai spirit can't b applied in msia when our ppl stil act like barbarians.
nvm.. whenever i'm angry or down.. i'll picture myself immersing in the tranquility of that shinto shrine. che wa so zen=)
it's indeed a trip that clear the mind, soul n erm intestines. they serve reli healthy non-oily food over there.
ah i wil get my peace sumday.
n i wil go back to japan again! hopefully nx yr!
from ultraman to gongqijun to shinchan to bleach to death note to the countless make-me-cry-1L of tears-super-emo japanese dramas to all the sony products in my house to the toyotas, i'm reli mesmerised by japan since i was a kid. tho i got myself in conflict after i went to nanjing yrs ago. but ah.. let history b history..
i'm so in luv wif japan after this hokkaido trip. so in luv!! that i don mind going there for an annual pilgrimage no matter how broke i can get.
tho there's not much to c in hokkaido compared to tokyo, kyoto n other cities, i stil think it's a great. can spend sum quality time wif my family. n thanx to the brilliant tour guide (a msian who's based in japan since his uni life), i've learnt so much abt japan.. the land, the ppl n their culture.. by listening to all his 1st or 2nd hand experiences n moz of them were downrite hilarious due to the cultural clashes.
i began to wonder in those european trips, i c a lot. but wat do i gain apart from all those pics? ask me wat's the name of that building, howz the ppl n culture like... don think i can tell much. is that reli the meaning of travelling? felt like i missed out on sth important. watever let's blame it on the financial n time constraint.
it's a reli cool country wif reli cool ppl tho they quite sei-oi-min n 1-pattern.
man i don c ugly ppl on the street every1 is so well-groomed, hair wif no 1 bit of frizz (jelez betul!) n all wearing clothes n shoes that r to die for.
i can carry my bag feeling very safe n whenever i shop, i get the value that i paid. it's like they reli practice the nilai-nilai murni in moral class.. berhemah tinggi haha.
i'm so impressed wif their ultra clean toilets n nvr ending toilet rolls.. they have these cute buttons for seat heating (this is very syok!), washing n flushing sounds to mask ur embarassment while u r shitting haha.
but the best part is.. amidst the modernity, they stil preserve n uphold their rich culture.
oh wait.. there's stil shopping!! heaven for shoppers!! reli wanna curse my feet for not growing bigger. it's damn disappointing when u can't get the shoes that u reli reli heart juz bcos there's NO SIZE n u know that u definitely won ever find such luvly shoes in msia. kanasai how come my feet so small.
n unlike those shampoo in msia/china hotels that wil tangle n roughen up ur hair, shampoo n conditioners provided in their hotel made my hair felt like silk. omg omg juz wanna throw my shwarzkopf (lazy to google for spelling la watever) into the drain.
the hot bath! lavendar!
n the crab! !scallop! abalone! n kobe beef! walao eh...
samo their education system.
n the great service spirit. HAI! *samurai*
when i touch down klia.. i was so compelled to change things. change the attitude change the mindset the gov the society the country.
it makes me want to put on my biggest smile say hi how r u to my pts... dispense wif my utmost zest answer all their queries n end it wif a thank u.
++ back to kpl, got scolded bcos of no plastic bcos of 1 mth again bcos of jump numbers bcos of long waiting time, wth! screw it man.. samurai spirit can't b applied in msia when our ppl stil act like barbarians.
nvm.. whenever i'm angry or down.. i'll picture myself immersing in the tranquility of that shinto shrine. che wa so zen=)
it's indeed a trip that clear the mind, soul n erm intestines. they serve reli healthy non-oily food over there.
ah i wil get my peace sumday.
n i wil go back to japan again! hopefully nx yr!
Monday, 5 July 2010
Monday, 28 June 2010
after a hard day at work, v went home n strut our stuff in the kitchen.
v had soysauce chicken. siubakchoy. cabbage soup. yummy=)
the laughters while bitching n the tears while shredding onions..
gosh for a moment it felt like James Blyth Court, it felt like.. Glasgow.
juz diff weather, diff kakis.
b it nostalgia or escapism, it's the moment that v all wan to go back to so badly but v can only look back.
as v eat, v talk abt childhood memories.
rmb that milo truck during sports day or sum random day. u queue up for that precious cup of cold milo n nowhere in the world can milo taste soo refreshing soo happyfying! aww.. the magic truck that served the best milo in the world.. when can v drink from it again?
rmb that brush teeth campaign. on a weekly basis, v all had to squat down by the longkang, brush our teeth n gargle at the old cement basin. brushing technique blabla, it's juz plain fun spitting the toothpaste foam away n gargle wif the cute minnie mouse cup that mom gave me. back then i was more of a fan for komodo, the flavour is so good that i actually EAT my toothpaste instead of brushing my teeth wif it!
i went on talking like they juz happened ytrday, stil so fresh in my mind. they started to test me. haha pc of cake!
wat's the number plate of my skoolbus? 8813, 9054.
wat's the phone number of my fren? oh c'mon i can even rmb that red riding hood sketch/ the hawaiian dance i performed during my kindergarten's annual concert n the lil senseless conversations i had wif my tadika frens.. wat more their housephone numbers.
fuiyoh n so they were reli impressed wif my long term memory power. but they oso pity me cos obviously i've passed my prime wahaha dammit. i can juz walk into the pantri for a quick bite of goreng pisang when 5 secs ago my dispenser told me i had a counselling to do. v went on to joke abt how i've used up moz of the giga/ terabytes when i was young hence now my brain is left wif limited memory space, which kinda explains my extreme blur sotongness kaka.
aww.. all the therapeutic factors for a luvly homecook dinner. n it is this kinda warmth that kept me going. i'm smiling again.
n juz today.. i work tru an evening shift. i hate evening shifts since i got here. it kills my cells n soul. i drove home wif tears welling in my eyes. there r times when u wud wan to hit the accelerator real. hard. feel the thrill n juz forget abt the world n this is it. 'course not, stil have my sanity intact.
got home. as i walked the long pathway from the visitor parking to my block, i had to suppress my tears. there's this weird feeling in my throat again.. like u swallow sth hastily n it got stuck there.. it's juz.. very unpleasant.
i've seen a funeral. i've watched the departure. even the dead is to b treated wif dignity n respect, wat more a living person wif a beating heart, flesh n soul. if u've struggled so hard to swallow the anguish n let go of this shit, if u've plucked up the courage to step forward n make peace, if u have the pure intention of only doing gud, wat wud u feel when u r shunned completely.. completely.. like a dead, like u nvr exist bfor?
.. disturbed.. very disturbed.
y am i nvr given the closure, the ultimate thing that i needed so badly?
up n down. everytime when i tot i can tell the world that i'm fine already, i'm alwiz taken aback by sth, i alwiz have that weird feeling in my throat. ppl think that i'm blessed wif gud memory power but when u have sth in ur head that u rather forget, that u wanna delete once n for all, u don call it a blessing. it juz get stuck in ur head n bring u down.
it's like snake n ladder. oldskool stuff, played a lot when v were kids.
it felt like i was at 97, bum into a long snake n slithered all the way down to 7. i try to climb my way back but this min i got on a short ladder nx min i bum into a snake. n it gets quite devastating cos u can only watch helplessly as the dice rolls. being the luckless me, the dice nvr stop at six or any number that wil get me to a long ladder. i juz cudn't find the shortcuts to seal the game.
ahhh mayb i juz gotta b patient.
i've got nth to lose, reli. play my own game n as the sole player, i need no ladders, juz 1 step at a time. i'll have all the time to bring myself back to 100. juz gotta blif in myself again. think i'm at 57 now.
v had soysauce chicken. siubakchoy. cabbage soup. yummy=)
the laughters while bitching n the tears while shredding onions..
gosh for a moment it felt like James Blyth Court, it felt like.. Glasgow.
juz diff weather, diff kakis.
b it nostalgia or escapism, it's the moment that v all wan to go back to so badly but v can only look back.
as v eat, v talk abt childhood memories.
rmb that milo truck during sports day or sum random day. u queue up for that precious cup of cold milo n nowhere in the world can milo taste soo refreshing soo happyfying! aww.. the magic truck that served the best milo in the world.. when can v drink from it again?
rmb that brush teeth campaign. on a weekly basis, v all had to squat down by the longkang, brush our teeth n gargle at the old cement basin. brushing technique blabla, it's juz plain fun spitting the toothpaste foam away n gargle wif the cute minnie mouse cup that mom gave me. back then i was more of a fan for komodo, the flavour is so good that i actually EAT my toothpaste instead of brushing my teeth wif it!
i went on talking like they juz happened ytrday, stil so fresh in my mind. they started to test me. haha pc of cake!
wat's the number plate of my skoolbus? 8813, 9054.
wat's the phone number of my fren? oh c'mon i can even rmb that red riding hood sketch/ the hawaiian dance i performed during my kindergarten's annual concert n the lil senseless conversations i had wif my tadika frens.. wat more their housephone numbers.
fuiyoh n so they were reli impressed wif my long term memory power. but they oso pity me cos obviously i've passed my prime wahaha dammit. i can juz walk into the pantri for a quick bite of goreng pisang when 5 secs ago my dispenser told me i had a counselling to do. v went on to joke abt how i've used up moz of the giga/ terabytes when i was young hence now my brain is left wif limited memory space, which kinda explains my extreme blur sotongness kaka.
aww.. all the therapeutic factors for a luvly homecook dinner. n it is this kinda warmth that kept me going. i'm smiling again.
n juz today.. i work tru an evening shift. i hate evening shifts since i got here. it kills my cells n soul. i drove home wif tears welling in my eyes. there r times when u wud wan to hit the accelerator real. hard. feel the thrill n juz forget abt the world n this is it. 'course not, stil have my sanity intact.
got home. as i walked the long pathway from the visitor parking to my block, i had to suppress my tears. there's this weird feeling in my throat again.. like u swallow sth hastily n it got stuck there.. it's juz.. very unpleasant.
i've seen a funeral. i've watched the departure. even the dead is to b treated wif dignity n respect, wat more a living person wif a beating heart, flesh n soul. if u've struggled so hard to swallow the anguish n let go of this shit, if u've plucked up the courage to step forward n make peace, if u have the pure intention of only doing gud, wat wud u feel when u r shunned completely.. completely.. like a dead, like u nvr exist bfor?
.. disturbed.. very disturbed.
y am i nvr given the closure, the ultimate thing that i needed so badly?
up n down. everytime when i tot i can tell the world that i'm fine already, i'm alwiz taken aback by sth, i alwiz have that weird feeling in my throat. ppl think that i'm blessed wif gud memory power but when u have sth in ur head that u rather forget, that u wanna delete once n for all, u don call it a blessing. it juz get stuck in ur head n bring u down.
it's like snake n ladder. oldskool stuff, played a lot when v were kids.
it felt like i was at 97, bum into a long snake n slithered all the way down to 7. i try to climb my way back but this min i got on a short ladder nx min i bum into a snake. n it gets quite devastating cos u can only watch helplessly as the dice rolls. being the luckless me, the dice nvr stop at six or any number that wil get me to a long ladder. i juz cudn't find the shortcuts to seal the game.
ahhh mayb i juz gotta b patient.
i've got nth to lose, reli. play my own game n as the sole player, i need no ladders, juz 1 step at a time. i'll have all the time to bring myself back to 100. juz gotta blif in myself again. think i'm at 57 now.
Thursday, 27 May 2010
终于病倒了。 终于累坏了。
十天前女孩依偎在男孩怀里。。拥抱、说笑、 依依不舍。。
十天后男孩犹如陌生人 冷冷地对女孩说 其实我对你没有感觉了。
十天以内
四百多公里的距离
几通甜言蜜语的电话
几通海誓山盟的短讯
一通晴天霹雳的电话
一通哭得死去活来歇斯底里的电话
一天的冷静
还有几封恐怕是女孩这一生人最读不下去的几封短讯
一个最难过的农历新年
就这样。。。
就这样。。 铸成了女孩一世都磨灭不了的阴影。
不可思议。第二次了。
女孩这次又是毫无防备 莫名其妙地被同一个男孩狠狠地刺伤了同一个地方。
女孩束手无策， 只好武装自己。
她很man地与男孩道别， 很若无其事地撑着每一天。
女孩觉得男孩精明成熟
她试着从男孩的角度去消化整个过程
一直安慰自己男孩总该有他的理由。
武装了一些时候 不知是沉淀 接受事实 还是逃避
女孩脑袋里就是有着一千个一百个问号。
她知道
错在她的粗线条 她的不拘小节
错在她不善于表面功夫 不善于表达
错在她不知要怎么在 男孩工作家人朋友自己 之间取得平衡点。
女孩从小看戏看到大。
什么勉强没幸福的烂桥段 早就在港剧里看腻了 早就明白这所谓的道理。
可她就是不明白。。
不要忽冷忽热 行吗？
不要什么都隐藏在心里 口是心非 行吗？
不要践踏别人的自尊 行吗？
不要伪装 欺骗 制造假象 行吗？
不要等到事情发展成这个地步才来解决 行吗？
面对面说 行吗？
都不行。
女孩终日被这些坏情绪困扰着
加上白天工作 掏心掏肺为民服务 还要让成千的病人与上司压得喘不过气来
深夜里低头哭泣 只觉得自己像一坨垃圾。
扯！ 慢慢地。。 觉得越来越痛、 越气愤、 越心里不平衡。
不知所措 自信心被打垮
受够了 为什么凡事无所谓的人都会被欺负？
为什么做好人就要跟受委屈画上等号？
女孩 真的真的身心疲惫了。
她立志要卸下怨气 卸下包袱
潇洒地继续走下去 找回自己。
她希望有那么的一天 她终于可以释怀了。。
在街上与男孩碰面 可以像旧朋友一样 寒暄几句 给予关怀。
无论男孩以后会是怎样 她还是可以诚心地献上祝福。
女孩从来不要求些什么 只希望得到一个像样的交代 。。
她只需要一份对于彼此的尊重 几句真心诚意的话 一个肯定
就能刻划出一个圆满的结局。 就能卸下包袱。
于是女孩拨通了这个似成相熟的号码 心里一片平静。。
可是 往往事与愿违 以为过了这一天一切会更好
怎知换来的是绝到不堪入耳的话。
女孩真的被逼疯了 真的崩溃了。
奇怪 为什么从以前到现在都被误会、原意被扭曲？
为什么要恶言以对？！
都已经把人刺得淌血了 怎么还可以那么理所当然地再去伤害人？
算了。
错就错在 女孩笨到危机临头时还以为风平浪静
以为委屈求全 就可以化险为夷
就算走到此地步 女孩还是很傻很天真
以为可以退一步 海阔天空
以为只要待人真诚 人家也会这样对回她。
其实道理很简单 当他的心里已经没有她的时候
无论女孩在背后做了一百件为他着想的事 他都是不以为然
几句无心的话 都会让他觉得刺耳难听
相反地 只要是对的人在他的面前不经不意地做了一件不怎么的事 他就可以觉得很称心
那 究竟何时何刻开始他的心里已没有了她？
嗨 想到这里 活了那么多年
没有一天比这一天 更心寒 更心淡
真的很痛。。
十天前女孩依偎在男孩怀里。。拥抱、说笑、 依依不舍。。
十天后男孩犹如陌生人 冷冷地对女孩说 其实我对你没有感觉了。
十天以内
四百多公里的距离
几通甜言蜜语的电话
几通海誓山盟的短讯
一通晴天霹雳的电话
一通哭得死去活来歇斯底里的电话
一天的冷静
还有几封恐怕是女孩这一生人最读不下去的几封短讯
一个最难过的农历新年
就这样。。。
就这样。。 铸成了女孩一世都磨灭不了的阴影。
不可思议。第二次了。
女孩这次又是毫无防备 莫名其妙地被同一个男孩狠狠地刺伤了同一个地方。
女孩束手无策， 只好武装自己。
她很man地与男孩道别， 很若无其事地撑着每一天。
女孩觉得男孩精明成熟
她试着从男孩的角度去消化整个过程
一直安慰自己男孩总该有他的理由。
武装了一些时候 不知是沉淀 接受事实 还是逃避
女孩脑袋里就是有着一千个一百个问号。
她知道
错在她的粗线条 她的不拘小节
错在她不善于表面功夫 不善于表达
错在她不知要怎么在 男孩工作家人朋友自己 之间取得平衡点。
女孩从小看戏看到大。
什么勉强没幸福的烂桥段 早就在港剧里看腻了 早就明白这所谓的道理。
可她就是不明白。。
不要忽冷忽热 行吗？
不要什么都隐藏在心里 口是心非 行吗？
不要践踏别人的自尊 行吗？
不要伪装 欺骗 制造假象 行吗？
不要等到事情发展成这个地步才来解决 行吗？
面对面说 行吗？
都不行。
女孩终日被这些坏情绪困扰着
加上白天工作 掏心掏肺为民服务 还要让成千的病人与上司压得喘不过气来
深夜里低头哭泣 只觉得自己像一坨垃圾。
扯！ 慢慢地。。 觉得越来越痛、 越气愤、 越心里不平衡。
不知所措 自信心被打垮
受够了 为什么凡事无所谓的人都会被欺负？
为什么做好人就要跟受委屈画上等号？
女孩 真的真的身心疲惫了。
她立志要卸下怨气 卸下包袱
潇洒地继续走下去 找回自己。
她希望有那么的一天 她终于可以释怀了。。
在街上与男孩碰面 可以像旧朋友一样 寒暄几句 给予关怀。
无论男孩以后会是怎样 她还是可以诚心地献上祝福。
女孩从来不要求些什么 只希望得到一个像样的交代 。。
她只需要一份对于彼此的尊重 几句真心诚意的话 一个肯定
就能刻划出一个圆满的结局。 就能卸下包袱。
于是女孩拨通了这个似成相熟的号码 心里一片平静。。
可是 往往事与愿违 以为过了这一天一切会更好
怎知换来的是绝到不堪入耳的话。
女孩真的被逼疯了 真的崩溃了。
奇怪 为什么从以前到现在都被误会、原意被扭曲？
为什么要恶言以对？！
都已经把人刺得淌血了 怎么还可以那么理所当然地再去伤害人？
算了。
错就错在 女孩笨到危机临头时还以为风平浪静
以为委屈求全 就可以化险为夷
就算走到此地步 女孩还是很傻很天真
以为可以退一步 海阔天空
以为只要待人真诚 人家也会这样对回她。
其实道理很简单 当他的心里已经没有她的时候
无论女孩在背后做了一百件为他着想的事 他都是不以为然
几句无心的话 都会让他觉得刺耳难听
相反地 只要是对的人在他的面前不经不意地做了一件不怎么的事 他就可以觉得很称心
那 究竟何时何刻开始他的心里已没有了她？
嗨 想到这里 活了那么多年
没有一天比这一天 更心寒 更心淡
真的很痛。。
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
the serene view in nirvana memorial park where a loved one was laid to rest in peace. the sizzling thai steamfish wif ex-colleagues. the tranquility in a luvly apartment wif a switzerland guidebook n chuppa chupps. the high decibel screams on the rollercoasters ride in genting. n the failed hair makeover session where i dyed my virgin hair! have i found my inner peace?
close? .. not even close.
not reli.
NOT YET.
beneath this pale n calm skin, there's a violent turbulence of emotions that's wreaking all the nerves n capillaries n every single damn cell in the body.
i'm alwiz in a state of unrest ever since this compulsory service n posting crap came into my life. muar. not too gud but stil fine. jb. sucks! when.. when can i ever settle down in a place of my choice n carry out all the plans that had to b postponed indefinitely? prp requirements, endless oncalls, now the faraway jb n the arrythmia inducing workload.. i've been dragging this worn out body, travelling upnorth downsouth almoz on a crazy weekly basis.
shoot i forgot. gee i gotta hurry. is that the latest news oh i hadn't read the papers for ages. yay i can have homecook dinner. damn y don u approve my leave. huh kursus. aww i had to cancel that gals' nite out. c ya i need to catch the bus n then my heart wud sink. cool y not! .. ah i need to.. gosh nx time.. *adrenaline pumping n pumping*.. ok wat was it where was i...
while i tot i was striving to achieve a balance out of everything, i'm actually chipped into such tiny weightless fragments.
this posting has drained me so much more than i tot. not only that, it tore the mask of a hypocrite n reveal a ruthless heartbreaker underneath. it's going to b 3 months but those lies n irresponsible acts r stil haunting me.. those cruel words r stil echoing in my ears.. like sharp blades piercing tru my cardiac muscles.. during me time, bus time, shower time, bedtime. it's the last thing i rmb bfor i go to bed n the 1st thing in my mind when i open my eyes in the morning. ya.. call me zombie.
everyday i tell myself i muz b strong n i'll live life as it is. but sumtimes i feel like i'm so gonna collapse.. like rite now.
it's a very complicated algebra, v were too bz n careless to take into account the many variables, instead v only look at the constants. no matter how much ur distorted mind wud perceive, i know i was putting all my heart n soul to solve the equation. u don rub if off silently.. in the mean time promise to solve the equation TODAY n out of a sudden, throw the blackboard away TMRW n THEN only tell me u don wan to solve it. if u think that (wow took u 4 yrs) the equation can nvr exist cos it can nvr equalise, at least have the courtesy to tell me nicely abt it bfor u rub it off the blackboard.
i care abt the equation more than u've tot n i owned 1 half of the blackboard. i woke up 1 day 400km away to the horror of realising the blackboard was gone!! i was this silly fool who don even know wat's going on or when u started erasing the equation. it was awfully traumatizing to fall off a burst bubble. cud all those b fake? even if it's real it's juz as fragile as the chalky flakes that dispersed into thin air. i'm not left wif anything to hold on to bcos memories cud b a form of deception. lies were sugarcoated to sound like promises. insincerity was skilfully masked wif cold companionship.
it's so disturbing to c that relieved face n bear wif that ok-i'm-sry-but-wat-do-u-expect-me-to-do tone. u can throw the blackboard rite away. juz. like. that. cold blood runs in ur veins. felt like a piece of trash. reli. was once recycled. n now. so disposable. so unworthy of anything.
it pissed me off when there r ppl who cudn't convey a simple msg or a simple tot. wat's so difficult abt it? reli. the world wil b a better place if ppl wud communicate n treat each other wif sincerity, honesty n respect.
nth stay in my mind for more than 15 mins. names. faces. anger. frustration. mayb cos im a big whiner or gossip queen. but this.. this has stayed on for so long. 2 months.. 3 months.. it's eating me up.. like gangrene. so wat i've got all the antibiotics. at the end of the day mayb my immune system is too weak to fight it. mayb the wound is too deep seated it's impenetrable to any sort of cure.
i've tried.. very very hard to shrug it off n get a new life but it had been a big part of my life. taking that away wil make it so frighteningly hollow. i have to learn to live wif that sudden big hole. this is totally pushing me to insanity. all i can do is cry hopelessly in the dark.
i have a lot of energy n enthusiasm. but for the past 4 yrs i've learnt it the hard way that too much of enthusiasm n energy can only bring abt more disappointment n misunderstanding. i'm not programmed to think. but everything abt it made me think a lot. when a person who's not supposed to think starts to think very hard, it juz went wrong. i dunno how to express myself n there's a wall btw me n other ppl. simply bcos i don blif in myself anymore. i was going tru this identity crisis wif paper thin self esteem. alwiz yearning for approval, or security, or therapeutic comfort but to no avail sumtimes. there may b inner conflicts but no man's a saint. i'm an optimist n moz of all i blif in the equation, i chose to walk this bittersweet journey.
so no matter how hard i've tried, i have yet to accept it or probably i can NVR come to terms wif it in this entire life. there wil alwiz b this unrest in my jammed up brain. tot i'm gonna get better as days or months gone by. but hell no, it gets crappier instead. i juz keep drowning deeper n deeper as the emotional baggage gets heavier n heavier. living in denial or psyching myself that i'm fine .. watever izzit.. i juz gotta stop running away n face the painful reality.
did a bit of retail therapy to clear my mind a wee bit. went in evita peroni. grab like 1k worth of accesories in my basket n when i was abt to pay, it juz hit me that hey, even if i'm down n dejected it doesn't give me the rite to splurge lidat. ok i have a penchant for head accesories mayb i have bad hair uhuh.. anyway i painstakingly empty 3/4 of the basket n paid, only to realise later that i actually like 1 of those that i didn't buy. issh! well that's life.. many a times when u need to make a choice, it's not abt wat u had chosen, it's more abt wat u had to give up. juz random tot.
i walk around the dirty streets. breathe in polluted air n listen to the chaotic notes of the buzzling city. it makes me so humanly again to live in sync wif imperfections. for that moment i felt so alive n liberated like y do i care.. it's time to unleash that spirit in me!!
tot i found myself back. but bfor i sleep.. i'm stil asking myself.. wat's wrong wif me? y am i not gud enuf?? dang. hell ya.. it's the same question tat had bugged me n put me down for 4 yrs n stil counting.
arrgghh... i need sum peace!!!
blardy sickening.
close? .. not even close.
not reli.
NOT YET.
beneath this pale n calm skin, there's a violent turbulence of emotions that's wreaking all the nerves n capillaries n every single damn cell in the body.
i'm alwiz in a state of unrest ever since this compulsory service n posting crap came into my life. muar. not too gud but stil fine. jb. sucks! when.. when can i ever settle down in a place of my choice n carry out all the plans that had to b postponed indefinitely? prp requirements, endless oncalls, now the faraway jb n the arrythmia inducing workload.. i've been dragging this worn out body, travelling upnorth downsouth almoz on a crazy weekly basis.
shoot i forgot. gee i gotta hurry. is that the latest news oh i hadn't read the papers for ages. yay i can have homecook dinner. damn y don u approve my leave. huh kursus. aww i had to cancel that gals' nite out. c ya i need to catch the bus n then my heart wud sink. cool y not! .. ah i need to.. gosh nx time.. *adrenaline pumping n pumping*.. ok wat was it where was i...
while i tot i was striving to achieve a balance out of everything, i'm actually chipped into such tiny weightless fragments.
this posting has drained me so much more than i tot. not only that, it tore the mask of a hypocrite n reveal a ruthless heartbreaker underneath. it's going to b 3 months but those lies n irresponsible acts r stil haunting me.. those cruel words r stil echoing in my ears.. like sharp blades piercing tru my cardiac muscles.. during me time, bus time, shower time, bedtime. it's the last thing i rmb bfor i go to bed n the 1st thing in my mind when i open my eyes in the morning. ya.. call me zombie.
everyday i tell myself i muz b strong n i'll live life as it is. but sumtimes i feel like i'm so gonna collapse.. like rite now.
it's a very complicated algebra, v were too bz n careless to take into account the many variables, instead v only look at the constants. no matter how much ur distorted mind wud perceive, i know i was putting all my heart n soul to solve the equation. u don rub if off silently.. in the mean time promise to solve the equation TODAY n out of a sudden, throw the blackboard away TMRW n THEN only tell me u don wan to solve it. if u think that (wow took u 4 yrs) the equation can nvr exist cos it can nvr equalise, at least have the courtesy to tell me nicely abt it bfor u rub it off the blackboard.
i care abt the equation more than u've tot n i owned 1 half of the blackboard. i woke up 1 day 400km away to the horror of realising the blackboard was gone!! i was this silly fool who don even know wat's going on or when u started erasing the equation. it was awfully traumatizing to fall off a burst bubble. cud all those b fake? even if it's real it's juz as fragile as the chalky flakes that dispersed into thin air. i'm not left wif anything to hold on to bcos memories cud b a form of deception. lies were sugarcoated to sound like promises. insincerity was skilfully masked wif cold companionship.
it's so disturbing to c that relieved face n bear wif that ok-i'm-sry-but-wat-do-u-expect-me-to-do tone. u can throw the blackboard rite away. juz. like. that. cold blood runs in ur veins. felt like a piece of trash. reli. was once recycled. n now. so disposable. so unworthy of anything.
it pissed me off when there r ppl who cudn't convey a simple msg or a simple tot. wat's so difficult abt it? reli. the world wil b a better place if ppl wud communicate n treat each other wif sincerity, honesty n respect.
nth stay in my mind for more than 15 mins. names. faces. anger. frustration. mayb cos im a big whiner or gossip queen. but this.. this has stayed on for so long. 2 months.. 3 months.. it's eating me up.. like gangrene. so wat i've got all the antibiotics. at the end of the day mayb my immune system is too weak to fight it. mayb the wound is too deep seated it's impenetrable to any sort of cure.
i've tried.. very very hard to shrug it off n get a new life but it had been a big part of my life. taking that away wil make it so frighteningly hollow. i have to learn to live wif that sudden big hole. this is totally pushing me to insanity. all i can do is cry hopelessly in the dark.
i have a lot of energy n enthusiasm. but for the past 4 yrs i've learnt it the hard way that too much of enthusiasm n energy can only bring abt more disappointment n misunderstanding. i'm not programmed to think. but everything abt it made me think a lot. when a person who's not supposed to think starts to think very hard, it juz went wrong. i dunno how to express myself n there's a wall btw me n other ppl. simply bcos i don blif in myself anymore. i was going tru this identity crisis wif paper thin self esteem. alwiz yearning for approval, or security, or therapeutic comfort but to no avail sumtimes. there may b inner conflicts but no man's a saint. i'm an optimist n moz of all i blif in the equation, i chose to walk this bittersweet journey.
so no matter how hard i've tried, i have yet to accept it or probably i can NVR come to terms wif it in this entire life. there wil alwiz b this unrest in my jammed up brain. tot i'm gonna get better as days or months gone by. but hell no, it gets crappier instead. i juz keep drowning deeper n deeper as the emotional baggage gets heavier n heavier. living in denial or psyching myself that i'm fine .. watever izzit.. i juz gotta stop running away n face the painful reality.
did a bit of retail therapy to clear my mind a wee bit. went in evita peroni. grab like 1k worth of accesories in my basket n when i was abt to pay, it juz hit me that hey, even if i'm down n dejected it doesn't give me the rite to splurge lidat. ok i have a penchant for head accesories mayb i have bad hair uhuh.. anyway i painstakingly empty 3/4 of the basket n paid, only to realise later that i actually like 1 of those that i didn't buy. issh! well that's life.. many a times when u need to make a choice, it's not abt wat u had chosen, it's more abt wat u had to give up. juz random tot.
i walk around the dirty streets. breathe in polluted air n listen to the chaotic notes of the buzzling city. it makes me so humanly again to live in sync wif imperfections. for that moment i felt so alive n liberated like y do i care.. it's time to unleash that spirit in me!!
tot i found myself back. but bfor i sleep.. i'm stil asking myself.. wat's wrong wif me? y am i not gud enuf?? dang. hell ya.. it's the same question tat had bugged me n put me down for 4 yrs n stil counting.
arrgghh... i need sum peace!!!
blardy sickening.
Monday, 1 March 2010
i can't fall asleep after i switch off the light n pull the blanket over myself.. almoz every other nite.
n i'm getting better at putting on an i'm ok face during the day.
i walk out from this, more like tossed out from this.. battered n crushed.
i wish i can go to that place in northern ireland.. where i'll be standing on the tip of the cliff n b surrounded by the vast blue sea.. where i can scream my lungs out so the gale n the seawater can carry my pain away.. where everything wil become so insignificant in comparison to the majestic scenery.
that is. i wish. i wish for a lot of things.. like how i wish this wil nvr happen.
i wanna hide n recuperate at sumwhere comforting, therapeutic. i think of that room which i nvr bother to clean. i think of muar. that very peaceful town that i can't wait to get out from once upon a time.
n i'm getting better at putting on an i'm ok face during the day.
i walk out from this, more like tossed out from this.. battered n crushed.
i wish i can go to that place in northern ireland.. where i'll be standing on the tip of the cliff n b surrounded by the vast blue sea.. where i can scream my lungs out so the gale n the seawater can carry my pain away.. where everything wil become so insignificant in comparison to the majestic scenery.
that is. i wish. i wish for a lot of things.. like how i wish this wil nvr happen.
i wanna hide n recuperate at sumwhere comforting, therapeutic. i think of that room which i nvr bother to clean. i think of muar. that very peaceful town that i can't wait to get out from once upon a time.
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