Monday, 28 June 2010

after a hard day at work, v went home n strut our stuff in the kitchen.
v had soysauce chicken. siubakchoy. cabbage soup. yummy=)

the laughters while bitching n the tears while shredding onions..
gosh for a moment it felt like James Blyth Court, it felt like.. Glasgow.
juz diff weather, diff kakis.
b it nostalgia or escapism, it's the moment that v all wan to go back to so badly but v can only look back.

as v eat, v talk abt childhood memories.

rmb that milo truck during sports day or sum random day. u queue up for that precious cup of cold milo n nowhere in the world can milo taste soo refreshing soo happyfying! aww.. the magic truck that served the best milo in the world.. when can v drink from it again?

rmb that brush teeth campaign. on a weekly basis, v all had to squat down by the longkang, brush our teeth n gargle at the old cement basin. brushing technique blabla, it's juz plain fun spitting the toothpaste foam away n gargle wif the cute minnie mouse cup that mom gave me. back then i was more of a fan for komodo, the flavour is so good that i actually EAT my toothpaste instead of brushing my teeth wif it!

i went on talking like they juz happened ytrday, stil so fresh in my mind. they started to test me. haha pc of cake!

wat's the number plate of my skoolbus? 8813, 9054.

wat's the phone number of my fren? oh c'mon i can even rmb that red riding hood sketch/ the hawaiian dance i performed during my kindergarten's annual concert n the lil senseless conversations i had wif my tadika frens.. wat more their housephone numbers.

fuiyoh n so they were reli impressed wif my long term memory power. but they oso pity me cos obviously i've passed my prime wahaha dammit. i can juz walk into the pantri for a quick bite of goreng pisang when 5 secs ago my dispenser told me i had a counselling to do. v went on to joke abt how i've used up moz of the giga/ terabytes when i was young hence now my brain is left wif limited memory space, which kinda explains my extreme blur sotongness kaka.

aww.. all the therapeutic factors for a luvly homecook dinner. n it is this kinda warmth that kept me going. i'm smiling again.

n juz today.. i work tru an evening shift. i hate evening shifts since i got here. it kills my cells n soul. i drove home wif tears welling in my eyes. there r times when u wud wan to hit the accelerator real. hard. feel the thrill n juz forget abt the world n this is it. 'course not, stil have my sanity intact.

got home. as i walked the long pathway from the visitor parking to my block, i had to suppress my tears. there's this weird feeling in my throat again.. like u swallow sth hastily n it got stuck there.. it's juz.. very unpleasant.

i've seen a funeral. i've watched the departure. even the dead is to b treated wif dignity n respect, wat more a living person wif a beating heart, flesh n soul. if u've struggled so hard to swallow the anguish n let go of this shit, if u've plucked up the courage to step forward n make peace, if u have the pure intention of only doing gud, wat wud u feel when u r shunned completely.. completely.. like a dead, like u nvr exist bfor?

.. disturbed.. very disturbed.

y am i nvr given the closure, the ultimate thing that i needed so badly?

up n down. everytime when i tot i can tell the world that i'm fine already, i'm alwiz taken aback by sth, i alwiz have that weird feeling in my throat. ppl think that i'm blessed wif gud memory power but when u have sth in ur head that u rather forget, that u wanna delete once n for all, u don call it a blessing. it juz get stuck in ur head n bring u down.

it's like snake n ladder. oldskool stuff, played a lot when v were kids.

it felt like i was at 97, bum into a long snake n slithered all the way down to 7. i try to climb my way back but this min i got on a short ladder nx min i bum into a snake. n it gets quite devastating cos u can only watch helplessly as the dice rolls. being the luckless me, the dice nvr stop at six or any number that wil get me to a long ladder. i juz cudn't find the shortcuts to seal the game.

ahhh mayb i juz gotta b patient.

i've got nth to lose, reli. play my own game n as the sole player, i need no ladders, juz 1 step at a time. i'll have all the time to bring myself back to 100. juz gotta blif in myself again. think i'm at 57 now.

1 comment:

EniaL3 - LyN said...

Hey dear, been out of touch soooo long, i don even know what happened.
But know this, whatever painful periods u're going though, u will go through it, eventually. Not that time can heal, but because u'll find someone better, because u have hope in the future, even if the future doesn't consist of that particular person. Eventually, when u look back, u might still say i miss him, but u can also say it's all good, i'm a better person and have a good life ahead. A matter of choice. Only u can make ur own heart stop desiring and stop hoping that all these is just a nightmare. But u can choose to accept and move on, knowing ur purpose in life is just not this.
Well, i'm very very sure that God has a better future and a better plan for ur life. Because he does love u =)
Miss u too. Take care.