Tuesday, 20 April 2010

the serene view in nirvana memorial park where a loved one was laid to rest in peace. the sizzling thai steamfish wif ex-colleagues. the tranquility in a luvly apartment wif a switzerland guidebook n chuppa chupps. the high decibel screams on the rollercoasters ride in genting. n the failed hair makeover session where i dyed my virgin hair! have i found my inner peace?

close? .. not even close.

not reli.


beneath this pale n calm skin, there's a violent turbulence of emotions that's wreaking all the nerves n capillaries n every single damn cell in the body.

i'm alwiz in a state of unrest ever since this compulsory service n posting crap came into my life. muar. not too gud but stil fine. jb. sucks! when.. when can i ever settle down in a place of my choice n carry out all the plans that had to b postponed indefinitely? prp requirements, endless oncalls, now the faraway jb n the arrythmia inducing workload.. i've been dragging this worn out body, travelling upnorth downsouth almoz on a crazy weekly basis.

shoot i forgot. gee i gotta hurry. is that the latest news oh i hadn't read the papers for ages. yay i can have homecook dinner. damn y don u approve my leave. huh kursus. aww i had to cancel that gals' nite out. c ya i need to catch the bus n then my heart wud sink. cool y not! .. ah i need to.. gosh nx time.. *adrenaline pumping n pumping*.. ok wat was it where was i...

while i tot i was striving to achieve a balance out of everything, i'm actually chipped into such tiny weightless fragments.

this posting has drained me so much more than i tot. not only that, it tore the mask of a hypocrite n reveal a ruthless heartbreaker underneath. it's going to b 3 months but those lies n irresponsible acts r stil haunting me.. those cruel words r stil echoing in my ears.. like sharp blades piercing tru my cardiac muscles.. during me time, bus time, shower time, bedtime. it's the last thing i rmb bfor i go to bed n the 1st thing in my mind when i open my eyes in the morning. ya.. call me zombie.

everyday i tell myself i muz b strong n i'll live life as it is. but sumtimes i feel like i'm so gonna collapse.. like rite now.

it's a very complicated algebra, v were too bz n careless to take into account the many variables, instead v only look at the constants. no matter how much ur distorted mind wud perceive, i know i was putting all my heart n soul to solve the equation. u don rub if off silently.. in the mean time promise to solve the equation TODAY n out of a sudden, throw the blackboard away TMRW n THEN only tell me u don wan to solve it. if u think that (wow took u 4 yrs) the equation can nvr exist cos it can nvr equalise, at least have the courtesy to tell me nicely abt it bfor u rub it off the blackboard.

i care abt the equation more than u've tot n i owned 1 half of the blackboard. i woke up 1 day 400km away to the horror of realising the blackboard was gone!! i was this silly fool who don even know wat's going on or when u started erasing the equation. it was awfully traumatizing to fall off a burst bubble. cud all those b fake? even if it's real it's juz as fragile as the chalky flakes that dispersed into thin air. i'm not left wif anything to hold on to bcos memories cud b a form of deception. lies were sugarcoated to sound like promises. insincerity was skilfully masked wif cold companionship.

it's so disturbing to c that relieved face n bear wif that ok-i'm-sry-but-wat-do-u-expect-me-to-do tone. u can throw the blackboard rite away. juz. like. that. cold blood runs in ur veins. felt like a piece of trash. reli. was once recycled. n now. so disposable. so unworthy of anything.

it pissed me off when there r ppl who cudn't convey a simple msg or a simple tot. wat's so difficult abt it? reli. the world wil b a better place if ppl wud communicate n treat each other wif sincerity, honesty n respect.

nth stay in my mind for more than 15 mins. names. faces. anger. frustration. mayb cos im a big whiner or gossip queen. but this.. this has stayed on for so long. 2 months.. 3 months.. it's eating me up.. like gangrene. so wat i've got all the antibiotics. at the end of the day mayb my immune system is too weak to fight it. mayb the wound is too deep seated it's impenetrable to any sort of cure.

i've tried.. very very hard to shrug it off n get a new life but it had been a big part of my life. taking that away wil make it so frighteningly hollow. i have to learn to live wif that sudden big hole. this is totally pushing me to insanity. all i can do is cry hopelessly in the dark.

i have a lot of energy n enthusiasm. but for the past 4 yrs i've learnt it the hard way that too much of enthusiasm n energy can only bring abt more disappointment n misunderstanding. i'm not programmed to think. but everything abt it made me think a lot. when a person who's not supposed to think starts to think very hard, it juz went wrong. i dunno how to express myself n there's a wall btw me n other ppl. simply bcos i don blif in myself anymore. i was going tru this identity crisis wif paper thin self esteem. alwiz yearning for approval, or security, or therapeutic comfort but to no avail sumtimes. there may b inner conflicts but no man's a saint. i'm an optimist n moz of all i blif in the equation, i chose to walk this bittersweet journey.

so no matter how hard i've tried, i have yet to accept it or probably i can NVR come to terms wif it in this entire life. there wil alwiz b this unrest in my jammed up brain. tot i'm gonna get better as days or months gone by. but hell no, it gets crappier instead. i juz keep drowning deeper n deeper as the emotional baggage gets heavier n heavier. living in denial or psyching myself that i'm fine .. watever izzit.. i juz gotta stop running away n face the painful reality.

did a bit of retail therapy to clear my mind a wee bit. went in evita peroni. grab like 1k worth of accesories in my basket n when i was abt to pay, it juz hit me that hey, even if i'm down n dejected it doesn't give me the rite to splurge lidat. ok i have a penchant for head accesories mayb i have bad hair uhuh.. anyway i painstakingly empty 3/4 of the basket n paid, only to realise later that i actually like 1 of those that i didn't buy. issh! well that's life.. many a times when u need to make a choice, it's not abt wat u had chosen, it's more abt wat u had to give up. juz random tot.

i walk around the dirty streets. breathe in polluted air n listen to the chaotic notes of the buzzling city. it makes me so humanly again to live in sync wif imperfections. for that moment i felt so alive n liberated like y do i care.. it's time to unleash that spirit in me!!

tot i found myself back. but bfor i sleep.. i'm stil asking myself.. wat's wrong wif me? y am i not gud enuf?? dang. hell ya.. it's the same question tat had bugged me n put me down for 4 yrs n stil counting.

arrgghh... i need sum peace!!!

blardy sickening.

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