i seriously think i have this inability to exist as a whole at any 1 place at any 1 time. like my body n soul r in 2 separate dimensions. n that my heart n my mind r seesawing btw idealization n reality, btw 2 opposite characters, or juz any 2 extreme points.
tots in my mind r like scattered lil pieces of jigsaw puzzles that form an abstract painting. ya at the age of 24 i stil cudn't get the whole pic. i'm stil this lost kid who cudn't articulate her tots... ah hell.. emo bemo lynno can juz cry when listening to 'lost' over n over again.
i've not written any blog in march. but i don rmb studying for my forensics either. all i rmb was.. oops.. i did spent A LOT of time lying on the bed. daydreaming or sleeping. sumtimes it irks me that i spent so much time doing nth.. despite many resolutions i'm stil doing NTH every single day. it's pretty scary how time flies truout the prp yr. it can only mean 2 things.
1) i'm stil a noobie after half a yr.
2) i may b nearer to the day of getting posted to sum ulu kk... huuuuuuuu.
talk abt forensics exam, i alwiz have this fear that i cudn't pass. cos of KARMA. for commiting a crime that i was not brave enuf to confess! the day bfor forensics, i drove out for dinner tgt wif housemates. did a reverse while discussing n getting stressed out on the past yr questions. n the nx thing i know.. BAM!!!!
OOPS i forgot to look at the MIRRORS!!! *quickly turn to the back to check out wat's going on!*
i BANG a WIRA!!!!
i caused a DENT on the car!!!!
OMG!!! it.juz.happened. how how how how *panick attack*
n i did wat all noob drivers wud do.. LEAVE the crime scene as quickly as possible!! NOTE: under the advice of housemates hor.
was uneasy the whole day.. i wanted to leave a note but unfortunately i hadn't finish studying!! wat if the owner's a gangster n beat me up?! or a fierce uncle who'll scold me all the way?! i cudn't risk getting emotionally disturbed or causing unnecessary stress to my housemates.
if this incident were to happen on any other ordinary day n not a day bfor my forensics, i'll write an apology note, i'll pay to compensate for the dent. yes, for sure. i'm NOT an irresponsible person, oh lordy pls let me pass forensics... it's simply excruciating to read those sections n regulations which rarely contain a comma or a fullstop.. AGAIN.
eh btw it's april , the month where gor gor leslie cheung n kurt cobain, 2 of my fav idols, decided to take their own lifes. read kurt cobains suicide note.. man it's so destructive to feel jaded. i do feel jaded every now n then, izzit sth alarming? no worries they r like mega-superstars weh, u gotta get til that high up to drop til that low in ur life.
sumtimes my heart wil b dancing so happily like doing a jai-ho.. omg that's like the moz infectious song wif the moz infectious dance scene lately. i'm so driven to sign up an indian dance class like.. rite now.
see i can b a very energetic, enthusiastic n pasionate person.. but of course u need to b in the rite time rite place wif the rite bunch of ppl to set the fire ablaze.
there r oso times that i think i can do sth great.. sth that can change the world (che wa.. like morphing into a power ranger, do a bono, al gore or angelina jolie sorta thing. haha ya i know.. wat on earth am i thinking rite??)
y do i stil feel useless? i've got a degree, i'm sorta financial independent, i have a car. i have a room of my own, i'm away from kl for at least 20 days in a month. y do i stil feel so stiffled every now n then??
i've read my prev blog entries, n then i read other ppl's blg.. urrgghh i juz find my blog very dumb sumtimes. it's juz like i've got nth eventful or insightful in my life so i blab abt day to day irrelevant stuff. n not that i have beautiful english to flaunt watsoever. haih...
well the a bright side to this is that i can act fit into life of a small town folk, gee i'm such an easily moulded person. i'm able to find joy in tiny weeny irrelevant stuff... juz like sum1 once taught me the goal of life is JUST to live happily every single day.. simple yet so hard at the same time. i'm stil learning.
i don reli have much passion (mayb 40%) or satisfaction (mayb 30%) in my job. watever i do now doesn't require me to study things down to the cellular or molecular level, which is practically the entire MPharm program. since it's a bloody tempting twinning program, i'll get to go to scotland, tour around europe n chill at crazy music festivals WHY NOT?! tour around europe i did tho i missed out on the music festivals.. see.. it's not abt any great expectation or my future.. such is the shallow thinking of a person w/o a vision in life. BUT!
i found out that i can b very serious when it comes to work. when i get bz i'll have this adrenaline rush which is totally sensational (not in clinical dpt tho, alwiz whining abt the heat in the ward n then went MIA haha) gee i didn't know i'm such a WORKAHOLIC! nvr underestimate my capabilites yo!
felt like tying 2 chun li buns, wear a cheong sam to work n kick sum ass... there r so many ass i feel like kicking in a day. *omg random fantasies again* hmm no baju ketat when the stor kecemerlangan auditors r here on tues to thurs.
there r sooo many things to do.. from trivial things like downloading the latest japanese drama to important stuff like filling in borang kaunselling or adr or drug info request (i've not even completed 1 after almoz half a yr). but i'm JUST TOO LAZY once i get back home idling on the bed or in front of the laptop.
sumtimes i realise i'm a spiritual n zenny person, i don give a damn abt materials n i don reli care much abt earning loads of money, as long as i continue living the middle class lifestyle. ya rite.. juz got myself an ipod nano. n i can act rant 1 whole day when the taxi driver charged me a whopping rm7 from muar bus station to the hosp which is like sports complex to sainsbury. haiyo ah pek u think u drive limo ah!! isshh i nvr fail to contradict myself.
sumtimes i juz hope that i can grab my backpack, wonder off sumwhere ALONE, hmm which 'me' wil i b that time or wil i finally exist as a whole. anyhow i juz cudn't muster the courage to get anything started. every now n then in lecture halls in bekalan wad my mind wil juz slip to a faraway land, to another realm.. mayb by merely doing so it is oredi a form of escapism for myself. LOSER!
oh well, guess i juz need to accept the fact that whichever shape i take, it's stil a part of me, hence it's stil ME. it's plain stupid getting emo n struggling on this so-called identity crisis.
i need another mogwai concert... i need sth psychedelic. n i juz missed oasis concert in spore...SHAIT!
i dunno y.. but almoz every nite... i'll b so bogged down by negative tots or negative emotions... i think i seriously need to clean my room, do a 5S... oh yeh baby sumtimes i do blif in feng shui.. all these negative chi r snowballing in my dirty n untidy room for a very long time. it's time to expel the negative chi n welcome sum positive chi into my room.
y did i ever name my blog jadedjude n sprightlysue, 'nuff said.
sicko kiddo, when can u ever find ur equilibrium?